Leaving without him

~ Ali Grimshaw

“i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)”
– E.E. Cummings

Twisted deeply within the realization 
of this being the day of goodbye
A warm sorrow reverberates through my limbs 
down to my heavy steps homeward. 
This is the part of loving wholeheartedly 
that I wish I could skip over. 
When the sunset arrives and takes you with it 
far from where I am.

From the first time I laid eyes on you
your inner charm worked magic on me
a spirit who dared to explore, 
balancing fences, tree limbs, to rooftop scrambles
while others shouted, "There is a kid up there."
You never were the "play it safe" kind.
I knew the someday would come
of releasing you to fly in the wind.

This motherhood thing sucks
just when you've spent 18 years
falling in love with your boy
(even on days when you didn't feel like it)
he turns into a man you adore with your
whole heart proud, filled with keeping.
Just then, it is time to share him
with the world.

It would be greedy of me not to share
but in this moment I don't want to
play by the rules, where sons grow up.
Instead let me rewind; all aches, pains and joys
to live again the rollercoaster of mothering you.
Your journey of magnificent learnings,
dares and caring that accumulate into
you as the tower beside me.

No matter where you walk upon the earth. 
I hope you hear my whispers in your ear,
I carry your heart
I carry it in my heart.

© Ali Grimshaw 2020

Cee’s Black & White Photo Challenge: Shadows and reflections

Reflecting on life in photos and words.

45 thoughts on “Leaving without him”

  1. What you took were these two brilliant lines by a brilliant poet and you’ve turned them into this ode to love, to care, to all of life’s feel good memories. My heart aches when I read this, but only out of love. A tear may be right around the corner, but I know my heart smiles when I read this, again and again into eternity.

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    1. Shanyu,
      You have gifted my day with another heartfelt response. I thank you.
      Grief is also love. Letting go is also love. Knowing that I carry the love for my children, I carry their hearts in mine always, is something that can never be taken away.
      Love is winning now and always. Take care of your heart.
      Ali

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      1. Ali,
        You are always welcome.
        People grieve differently, letting go can be hard, but when you say this I absolutely agree. Love finds its way.
        Such a beautiful soul you’ve gotten. I am so glad to be in touch with this kindred spirit. May there always be love for you even in the hardest of times.
        Here’s to love!
        Shanyu.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. What a beautiful heartwarming poem Ali. Reminded me of my relationship with my 19yo son and my older daughter. So much love yet we have to let them go and grow. Much love and hugs to you dear friend. 💙

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  7. I’m so glad the kleenex was within reach.
    “It would be greedy of me not to share
    but in this moment I don’t want to”
    What a wonderful “love poem” you’ve written. Will you show it to him? I hope so.

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  18. Ali…oh my. This is so beautiful. I could feel every word as I recalled my two sons leaving for college, leaving the nest. There’s a version of this that I feel each time I leave their respective homes or when they leave mine. I send my heartfelt best wishes as your beautiful whole heart breaks open…just a little more.

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    1. Carrie,
      Thank you for reflecting back your experiences with your own sons. Being a mother is an evolving journey of love. There is nothing else in life quite like it. I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to love and learn with my boys. My heart keeps cracking open and I guess that means it’s getting bigger.
      Wishing you wellness and love,
      Ali

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    1. Brad,
      Yes, I think this is what you are referring to and it rings true for me. Thanks for the reminder.
      “Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself… You may give them your love but not your thoughts, for they have their own thoughts. You may house their bodies but not their souls, for their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow…” -Kahlil Gibran

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