Seeking a Brain Transplant

img_0226
She covets the minds of others,
organized, tidy, check the box off
followers of clear roads
neatly folded maps
who open to straight paths
traveling without distraction
of multiple dead ends
confusion of curlicues
to land efficiently
destination, spot on time.
Dreary haunts of defeat
her relapse into darkness
a mind off course, tunneling elsewhere
moving toward an endless horizon
without a line between earth and sky
to distinguish
what hole she fell into
this time.
This is a revised version of the poem published on Versewrights Looking back and rewriting this as a process of reflection and celebration. Thank you Versewrights for sharing my poems with your readers. Today I encourage you to embrace your process over the temporary product. The my last page has not been written yet.
Please share a poem that you have rewritten in the comments section. Let me give space to acknowledge your process.
© Ali Grimshaw 2017
Advertisements

20 thoughts on “Seeking a Brain Transplant

  1. This poem below, A Single Atom, took me many many redrafts over a 4 year period, and here is my final post
    A Single Atom

    I see a shooting star, traverse the full-moon.

    Like a jungle bushfire, raging out of sight.

    I feel the heat of midday, smothering the night.

    Like a warm body, inside her tomb.

    I see the dawn, without the golden sun.

    Like a Lyrebird, singing all out of tune.

    I hear the morning rain, without a cloud in the sky.

    Like yesterday’s floods, leaving her high and dry.

    I see a sandy beach, awash by a tidal wave.

    Like a burning desert, water is her grave.

    I fill lonely sheets, with empty dreams.

    Like a dark chasm’s irrelevant beams.

    I see a summer leaf, wilted by a frosty Autumn.

    Like an unwatered orchid, opening to an old anthem.

    I feel like a splintered heart, inside a single atom.

    Like a snake’s dead skin, her rejected emblem.

    And here is my first go that I typed up years ago, and the interesting penned in changes that I was making over time, I thought you might like the roughing in I was doing. Again I hope the link works for you
    https://1drv.ms/i/s!Asumt4cZ9A65g8VOsFIOtctptfiVBA

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for sharing your process Ivor. I truly enjoyed seeing both pieces. Overall, this is my favorite line, “I feel like a splintered heart, inside a single atom.”
      Keep on writing and enjoying the ride of it.

      Like

  2. I haven’t written any poems, but I did enjoy yours. I do write fiction and short essays (my blog), and I have also found that the process of rewriting is very beneficial. The work improves, and I get deep satisfaction from trying to make it better.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I enjoyed your poem above in the original and new version both. You really led me into an interesting check-in within myself regarding my process. I explored my own process in my thoughts.Some of my poems were simply raw surges of emotions. Some trickled down as thoughts that I noted down one after the other, and then upon digestion of the experience of that idea, it became a poem. There might be some refining of the rhythm for some poems before I publish. I haven’t yet rewritten a poem I feel.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. All my pleasure. The role of writing is very close to the soul, I imagine. You definitely planted the seed in me to find out if I would be rewriting any of mine, as definitely I am growing into a different person. I will share with you when I do.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Hi Ali, I have a lot of poems that I’ve rewritten. Most of my old poems were full of overwhelming emotion and the words and structure wise were not very good, however the thoughts I had in those days were so very vivid, And so I’ve enjoyed the process of review and revising them, now that my mind is in a more stable and clear state. Maybe I’ll attach an original, and then the rewrite. Would that be Ok Ali…. I’ll do a search….

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I would LOVE that. I want to provide an opportunity for poets to share their process. I am thinking about creating a new page on my site to share other’s poems. The first draft and the final draft. Please send me a both versions. I think it would be fascinating.

      Liked by 2 people

      1. This is one is a good example. https://1drv.ms/i/s!Asumt4cZ9A65g6pZKyaJJk2AvjZAHw.
        Hope the link opens for you.
        And this is the revised one.

        A Tattooed Blond

        I’m neither here nor there.
        Half asleep or half awake.
        Not quite conscious.
        Like a drifting snowflake
        Sinking through a prism
        Where I fantasize and over-achieve.
        Seeing a blond haired vixen,
        Thinking I’ve seen her tatt’s before.
        I’m retreating, hiding,
        From her beckoning embraces.
        My drunken mates at the bar,
        Giggling and smirking, as if I can’t see.
        Between, there’s a tattered curtain,
        A pale veil, shadows lurking.
        A vision frighteningly surreal,
        Like a fiery chasm.
        The blonds tattoos spasm,
        Chasing my body into a raging surf.
        Waves crashing over, and around,
        A bubbling sensation, wildly scary.
        I sprawl atop the tattoos in the sand,
        And I wonder what to do,
        With her bloodied tattooed hand,
        Wishing I could escape from here or there.
        I suddenly awaken, and burst into tears,
        Recognizing my weakly fears.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. How interesting to read both of your versions. It makes me wonder about the format that poets choose. The arrangement of words and the ones chosen to reflect a message. I enjoyed reading both versions.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I’ve been going to a few poetry workshops, where upon trying to attempt different formats, But at 66 yrs, my changes are gradual, and I like that you thought both versions were ok.

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s