She covets the minds of others,
organized, tidy, check the box off
organized, tidy, check the box off
followers of clear roads
neatly folded maps
who open to straight paths
traveling without distraction
of multiple dead ends
confusion of curlicues
to land efficiently
destination, spot on time.
Dreary haunts of defeat
her relapse into darkness
Dreary haunts of defeat
her relapse into darkness
a mind off course, tunneling elsewhere
moving toward an endless horizon
without a line between earth and sky
to distinguish
what hole she fell into
this time.
moving toward an endless horizon
without a line between earth and sky
to distinguish
what hole she fell into
this time.
This is a revised version of the poem published on Versewrights Looking back and rewriting this as a process of reflection and celebration. Thank you Versewrights for sharing my poems with your readers. Today I encourage you to embrace your process over the temporary product. The my last page has not been written yet.
Please share a poem that you have rewritten in the comments section. Let me give space to acknowledge your process.
© Ali Grimshaw 2017
flashlight batteries - Ali Grimshaw 
This poem below, A Single Atom, took me many many redrafts over a 4 year period, and here is my final post
A Single Atom
I see a shooting star, traverse the full-moon.
Like a jungle bushfire, raging out of sight.
I feel the heat of midday, smothering the night.
Like a warm body, inside her tomb.
I see the dawn, without the golden sun.
Like a Lyrebird, singing all out of tune.
I hear the morning rain, without a cloud in the sky.
Like yesterday’s floods, leaving her high and dry.
I see a sandy beach, awash by a tidal wave.
Like a burning desert, water is her grave.
I fill lonely sheets, with empty dreams.
Like a dark chasm’s irrelevant beams.
I see a summer leaf, wilted by a frosty Autumn.
Like an unwatered orchid, opening to an old anthem.
I feel like a splintered heart, inside a single atom.
Like a snake’s dead skin, her rejected emblem.
And here is my first go that I typed up years ago, and the interesting penned in changes that I was making over time, I thought you might like the roughing in I was doing. Again I hope the link works for you
https://1drv.ms/i/s!Asumt4cZ9A65g8VOsFIOtctptfiVBA
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Thank you for sharing your process Ivor. I truly enjoyed seeing both pieces. Overall, this is my favorite line, “I feel like a splintered heart, inside a single atom.”
Keep on writing and enjoying the ride of it.
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Ah, writing is definitely an interesting ride.
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Hi Ali, Would you like me to send another one, I’m find it quite interesting myself.
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Sure. It is an interesting journey. Glad you are enjoying the focus on process.
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I’m still a learner in this writing world. I’ll send another one laterer, haha, I’m babysitting a friends dog, and looks like he wants to go for a walk…
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I haven’t written any poems, but I did enjoy yours. I do write fiction and short essays (my blog), and I have also found that the process of rewriting is very beneficial. The work improves, and I get deep satisfaction from trying to make it better.
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Thanks for sharing Ann. The more curious I am about process the more I can lose myself in writing. I am glad you enjoyed the poem.
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I enjoyed your poem above in the original and new version both. You really led me into an interesting check-in within myself regarding my process. I explored my own process in my thoughts.Some of my poems were simply raw surges of emotions. Some trickled down as thoughts that I noted down one after the other, and then upon digestion of the experience of that idea, it became a poem. There might be some refining of the rhythm for some poems before I publish. I haven’t yet rewritten a poem I feel.
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Thanks for generously sharing your experience. I am curious about the role writing plays in the lives of other poets. If you end up writing and then rewriting I would love read both versions.
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All my pleasure. The role of writing is very close to the soul, I imagine. You definitely planted the seed in me to find out if I would be rewriting any of mine, as definitely I am growing into a different person. I will share with you when I do.
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Thanks. I appreciate your honest response.
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You are welcome 🙂
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Hi Ali, I have a lot of poems that I’ve rewritten. Most of my old poems were full of overwhelming emotion and the words and structure wise were not very good, however the thoughts I had in those days were so very vivid, And so I’ve enjoyed the process of review and revising them, now that my mind is in a more stable and clear state. Maybe I’ll attach an original, and then the rewrite. Would that be Ok Ali…. I’ll do a search….
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I would LOVE that. I want to provide an opportunity for poets to share their process. I am thinking about creating a new page on my site to share other’s poems. The first draft and the final draft. Please send me a both versions. I think it would be fascinating.
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This is one is a good example. https://1drv.ms/i/s!Asumt4cZ9A65g6pZKyaJJk2AvjZAHw.
Hope the link opens for you.
And this is the revised one.
A Tattooed Blond
I’m neither here nor there.
Half asleep or half awake.
Not quite conscious.
Like a drifting snowflake
Sinking through a prism
Where I fantasize and over-achieve.
Seeing a blond haired vixen,
Thinking I’ve seen her tatt’s before.
I’m retreating, hiding,
From her beckoning embraces.
My drunken mates at the bar,
Giggling and smirking, as if I can’t see.
Between, there’s a tattered curtain,
A pale veil, shadows lurking.
A vision frighteningly surreal,
Like a fiery chasm.
The blonds tattoos spasm,
Chasing my body into a raging surf.
Waves crashing over, and around,
A bubbling sensation, wildly scary.
I sprawl atop the tattoos in the sand,
And I wonder what to do,
With her bloodied tattooed hand,
Wishing I could escape from here or there.
I suddenly awaken, and burst into tears,
Recognizing my weakly fears.
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How interesting to read both of your versions. It makes me wonder about the format that poets choose. The arrangement of words and the ones chosen to reflect a message. I enjoyed reading both versions.
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I’ve been going to a few poetry workshops, where upon trying to attempt different formats, But at 66 yrs, my changes are gradual, and I like that you thought both versions were ok.
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I admire your drive to learn and stretch yourself. I consider people who live this way to be young regardless of their chronological age.
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Thank you Ali,
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